This is a question that has been plaguing me since last weekend.
Here I sit in my rented apartment. I do own the couch that I am sitting on. I am 30 and more than half way to 31. I am single. I do not have any children. I have a bachelor's degree and a paralegal certificate. The state of North Carolina has certified that I am indeed a paralegal. Thank you NC. I feel validated by you at least.
I keep asking myself If I could have been more had I tried harder. Why wasn't I pushed a little bit more? Why didn't I challenge myself in school? Why didn't I go to law school like I had planned since law school? Do I honestly not feel I'm smart enough to do it? Am I locked into this way of thinking? Is it always about money?
After going to Connecticut last weekend for my cousin Mallory's graduation from King Low-Heywood Thomas School (www.klht.org), I felt like such a slacker. I felt like she had accomplished more in high school than I did in all my year's of schooling. I felt like my uncle was disappointed in me. I felt like I had let him down by not pursuing higher education. I have since been told otherwise.
I still can't help but feeling like I took the easy way out. I sailed through school and pursued a major because it came easy to me. My dreams of being a physical therapist ended when I got a "C" in Biology 110. How's that for giving up easily? And now what? Now, I work in an okay job, getting a good salary, but feeling like it's not what I'm meant to be doing?
Why don't I have lofty goals? Why am I not as ambitious as I feel like I should be?
*Deep sigh*
I don't have answers. I am tired of the status quo. I am tired.
I want to be more, do more, achieve more. Where do I start at 30?
Heaven help me.
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Life and times of Stephanie a/k/a Fifi! Random thoughts, organized thoughts, poetic (and mostly not so poetic) ramblings of a 30 something learning to live and survive in Charlotte, NC.
1 comment:
Dearest S.,
You are MORE than 'good enough'. You know this because you are a Child of God - He has made you MAGNIFICENTYLY - He loves you without measure.
But then, I know that it's also difficult to look around you and see benchmarks crossed by others & wonder how we could have done it differently. I encourage you though, to not look back. I've run into many walls looking behind me as life progressed forward.
Perhaps your dissatisfaction with life right now may be a 'maturing moment' for you to step out in courage and GO FOR IT. Whatever 'IT' is - take the first step. Perhaps sit down & make a list of what your 'Ideal Life' would look like 6 months from now, a year from now, 5 years from now... Go crazy - dream BIG - don't censor yourself. You seem to be 'pregnant with passion' for something else, something new. I encourage you to forge ahead - without fear - and take 'baby steps' toward those goals. I not only have faith that you can do it, but that the Lord will see it through IN YOU! I hope this makes sense... I'm thinking of you & praying for you my friend :)
love,
alaina
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