Good Enough?

This is a question that has been plaguing me since last weekend.
Here I sit in my rented apartment. I do own the couch that I am sitting on. I am 30 and more than half way to 31. I am single. I do not have any children. I have a bachelor's degree and a paralegal certificate. The state of North Carolina has certified that I am indeed a paralegal. Thank you NC. I feel validated by you at least.

I keep asking myself If I could have been more had I tried harder. Why wasn't I pushed a little bit more? Why didn't I challenge myself in school? Why didn't I go to law school like I had planned since law school? Do I honestly not feel I'm smart enough to do it? Am I locked into this way of thinking? Is it always about money?

After going to Connecticut last weekend for my cousin Mallory's graduation from King Low-Heywood Thomas School (www.klht.org), I felt like such a slacker. I felt like she had accomplished more in high school than I did in all my year's of schooling. I felt like my uncle was disappointed in me. I felt like I had let him down by not pursuing higher education. I have since been told otherwise.

I still can't help but feeling like I took the easy way out. I sailed through school and pursued a major because it came easy to me. My dreams of being a physical therapist ended when I got a "C" in Biology 110. How's that for giving up easily? And now what? Now, I work in an okay job, getting a good salary, but feeling like it's not what I'm meant to be doing?

Why don't I have lofty goals? Why am I not as ambitious as I feel like I should be?

*Deep sigh*

I don't have answers. I am tired of the status quo. I am tired.

I want to be more, do more, achieve more. Where do I start at 30?

Heaven help me.