And now an appropriate poem

Broken Dreams

As children bring their broken toys
With tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams to God
Because He was my friend.

But then instead of leaving Him
In peace to work alone,
I hung around and tried to help
With ways that were my own.

At last I snatched them back and cried,
"How could you be so slow"
"My child," He said, "What could I do?
You never did let go."

Please God. Let me let go. Give me the strength I need to do it.

Heavy heart

My mom is sick. Yesterday she was admitted to the hospital for low blood pressure. The crazy thing is that she has a history of HIGH blood pressure for which she's taken medications for years and years. Apparently she's not been feeling so well the last couple of weeks. She couldn't go to work yesteray and her doctor told her to come in. Well, she did fine on the EKG and the blood tests. She did fine on the CT scan of her chest. They ordered a stress test for this morning and she failed. Her blood pressure skyrocketed. Now, she can't remember why she's even in the hospital. Thankfully she knows my dad, my brother and is aware of current events. I spoke to her briefly and she was terrified. Apparently my dad wasn't together enough to tell her what was going on. So, I told her. I can't explain the feelings I am experiencing. I'll try. I'm scaerd. I'm scared for so many reasons. Some of them are selfish. What would I do wihout my mom? How will this affect me? Then my mind goes to my dad. What would my dad do without my mom? Would he be okay? How would he deal with Blake on his own?
My family suffers so much. My parents hearts have been broken by their children. My mom has been plagued with health issues. My dad has been such a good husband to sit by my mom's bedside time and time again. He adores her. She is his strength. It breaks my heart to be on the phone with him and have the line go silent. I know that he is crying on the other end and cannot find any words to utter.
I don't feel capable of dealing with this. I know God is in control. How can you be a Christian without having that pounded into your subconscious. I have to tell you though, I am having a really hard time sensing His presence -- that He desires good things for me and for my family. It sure looks like we've been cast the short lot. My head hurts from crying. I need to wrap this up. Steve is coming to pick me up so we can drive to Asheville to be support for my dad. Bless him.
Facing the mortality of a parent is a strange thing.

disappointment

to think i could be disappointing anyone is almost too much to bear. my "pleaser" personality always wants to make sure everyone is happy ... and happy with me. when i know people are disappointed over something i am doing or have done, it hurts. i still haven't quite learned that i need to let people feel how they're going to feel and be okay with that -- even if it means they're disappointed with me.